Supporting Without Shielding: A C.A.L.M. Guide to Co-Parenting
Divorce undoubtedly leaves a significant impact on children. They are caught in the crossfire of emotions, changes in routines, and the loss of a unified family structure. It’s natural for parents to want to shield their children from these difficulties, to smooth the path ahead, but this should also be done with caution so you don’t fall into being a lawn mower parent who will go to all lengths to mow out any obstacles in life for their kids. As tempting as it may be to protect them from every hardship, it’s crucial to remember that life’s challenges are also opportunities for growth and resilience.
Understanding and acknowledging your child’s feelings during this time can make a world of difference. When a child feels heard and understood, it fosters a sense of security and trust. They need to know that it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry about the changes happening in their lives. By validating their emotions, we help them process their feelings in a healthy way.
When working with co-parents, it’s essential that they put into practice my C.A.L.M. Approach to Confident Co-Parenting to help build stronger bonds with their children and help them build up their own toolboxes for life. The idea of empathy goes hand in hand with compassionate communication, the cornerstone of my C.A.L.M. approach. This involves having open, honest conversations with your child about what is happening, using ‘we’ statements to present a united front. For instance, saying “We love you very much and are working together to make sure you feel safe and happy” helps reassure them that both parents are committed to their well-being, despite the separation. It’s about keeping the lines of communication open and ensuring that your child knows they are not at fault for the divorce.
Awareness and accountability are equally important; being mindful of how your actions and words impact your child and taking responsibility for your part in the co-parenting dynamic. It’s about recognizing when emotions are running high and taking steps to de-escalate the situation. This not only models emotional intelligence for your child but also creates a more stable environment for them to thrive in.
And when it comes to big changes, emotions can be high! And while no emotion is “bad”, we must understand how to appropriately express them. Teaching children to understand and manage their emotions equips them with the tools they need to navigate life’s challenges. Encourage them to express their feelings, and guide them in finding constructive ways to cope with their emotions. Whether it’s through drawing, writing, or simply talking, giving them an outlet for their feelings helps them develop resilience.
But we know we can tell our kids a lot of things, yet it’s what we show them that really matters. Mindful modeling is the final piece of the puzzle. Children learn by observing the adults in their lives. By demonstrating healthy ways to handle stress, resolve conflicts, and show compassion, you are setting a powerful example for your child. It’s about being present in the moment, showing them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that learning and growth are ongoing processes.
As co-parents, it’s essential to strike a balance between protecting your child and allowing them to face challenges. Shielding them from every hardship can inadvertently hinder their ability to build resilience. Instead, focus on equipping them with the skills and support they need to navigate life’s ups and downs. This involves not only being there for them during tough times but also encouraging their independence and problem-solving abilities.
Remember, co-parenting is a journey, and it’s one that requires patience, understanding, and a lot of love. By embracing the C.A.L.M. Approach to Confident Co-Parenting, you can create a nurturing environment where your child feels supported and valued. It’s about working together, despite the differences, to provide a stable foundation for your child’s growth and well-being. It’s about guiding them through the storm and showing them that, even in the midst of change, they are loved and supported every step of the way.
In the end, it’s not about removing all the obstacles from your child’s path but about walking alongside them as they learn to navigate life’s challenges.
By Angie Weber